Care as Much About the Real World by Saab Lofton

indiana_jones.jpg
Care as Much About the Real World
by Saab Lofton

I hate ARFs -- Anal-Retentive Fanboys, usually spoiled whites in the suburbs who're spending far too much time in front of a computer (I'm a professional author, what's their excuse?), they go off on everything from Ben Affleck's portrayal of Daredevil (which was just fine, by the way) to the casting of Halle Berry as Catwoman (even though Eartha Kitt, another woman of color, also played the character).

One of the most telling examples of an ARF sentiment in action is when the Tobey McGuire Spider-Man movies depicted the use of organic webbing as opposed to the mechanical/artificial kind from the comic books and there was an outcry over that. The problem I have with said outcry is the total lack of class consciousness on these fans' part: Peter Parker is lower middle class (at best) -- even if he was some kind of supergenius, explain to me how Parker could've possibly afforded the equipment and infrastructure necessary to create (all by himself, since his secret identity must be maintained) a device no bigger than a wristwatch which could emit an extremely elastic fiber that's also stronger than piano wire? Yeah, that's what I thought ...

A similar lack of consciousness is evident in the recent coining of the phrase "Nuke the Fridge." In the movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Indy is shown enclosing himself within a (lead-lined) refrigerator in order to survive a nuclear blast at the Nevada Test Site circa 1957. So now, according to these ARFs, "Nuke the Fridge" is to movies what "Jump the Shark" is to television, as Peter Sciretta from slashfilm.com explains ...

"'Jump the Shark' is a reference to a scene in an episode of Happy Days when Fonzie literally jumps over a shark while water skiing. The scene was considered so preposterous, and is considered by many to signify the moment in time when the show became unappealing to its core audience."

... what's really preposterous is the continued existence of nuclear weapons of mass destruction (over seventeen billion in American tax dollars is annually spent to maintain an arsenal of ten thousand nuclear missiles). How can these fans be so fixated on whether a fictional character survives being nuked but so irritatingly nonchalant about the prospect of our entire planet being nuked? Are the ARFs who coined the phrase "Nuke the Fridge" members of anti-nuclear organizations such as Greenpeace, Peace Action, the Ploughshares Fund or the Council for a Livable World? Have they even heard of Dr. Helen Caldicott? Yeah, that's what I thought ...

ARFs are utterly insatiable. Supposedly, after a hard day at work/school, they not only demand but crave like crackheads the utmost in entertainment. Every-single-aspect of a story must make perfect, clockwork sense (to them), lest the very fabric of the space-time continuum unravel and collapse upon itself. As I said, SPOILED. As a storyteller myself, I know exactly what effect George Lucas and Steven Spielberg were going for in that scene from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull:

In a panic, Indiana Jones staggers into what he assumes is a small, desert town. His head whirls about, desperate for help (since a pack of stereotypical Stalinists were after him), but only finds plastic mannequins -- propped up by the military to determine what a typical white American suburb would be like after being irradiated (hence the presence of that infamous refrigerator). Crash test dummies, if you will, and that's what Lucas and Spielberg were trying to imply -- when the world was in peril, Indy only found dumb, plastic people (any activist can relate) ...

I saw Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in a Seattle theater, and the audience not only understood the aforementioned scene, but clapped immediately afterwards. Seattle, Washington is not known for its dullards, so it can't be claimed that the audience members were merely responding to the latest in Hollywood stimuli like Pavlov's dogs. Indiana Jones is known for his impossible escapes (the waterfall in the beginning of The Temple of Doom, for instance) and even beloved because of them. He wouldn't be Indy otherwise ...

Message to the ARFs: Care as much about the real world! Everyone's so enraptured by how cute and JFK-esque Barack Obama is, they seem to have forgotten the Bush administration is still in power. There's STILL talk of invading Iran -- thanks to the Peace Movement, it's BEEN just talk, and hopefully, it'll REMAIN just talk. However, if some C.I.A. scheme cons this ignorant population (Gulf of Tonkin, Weapons of Mass Destruction, etc.) into backing an Iran invasion, it could trigger World War III ...

... and then we'll ALL be looking for refrigerators to hide in ...

SOURCES:
http://www.slashfilm.com/2008/06/04/is-nuke-the-fridge-the-new-jump-the-...
http://tomfoss.blogspot.com/2005/09/organic-web-shooters.html
http://boards.sonypictures.com/spiderman/archive/index.php/t-457.html
http://www.truemajority.org/bensbbs/
http://www.commondreams.org/archive/2008/06/24/9851/